Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
No!
Stop him! He held up the bank!
He slugged me.
Hold it.
This man's dead. What happened?
He's a bank robber.
He slugged the teller as he was making off-
Doesn't seem to have gotten away
with much of a haul, does he?
I can't help that.
He was running out of the bank,
the teller at his heels screaming bloody murder.
What teller? The one that-
Came running out of this bank, you say?
Yeah, that bank.
No, no, please!
No, don't hit me again.
Please, don't hit me again.
Somebody, help me please!
Oh, for shame.
Raising a hand to the man of the cloth.
But I didn't, ma'am.
He didn't? All of a sudden, for no reason at all-
You ought to be horsewhipped.
No, no, dear lady,
let us rather heed the words of the gospel-
Be not overcome of evil,
but overcome evil with good.
Peace to you, my misguided brother.
He grabbed the poor parson,
slammed him up against the side of the elevator, and started-
Why don't you tell the truth, huh?
Jim!
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Turn him loose, Jim.
Colonel, I don't know what this is all-
I said turn him loose.
If, ladies and gentlemen,
I say, if you have been angered,
frightened, or even amused
by what you have just seen here,
if, in short, you have been caught up
by this brief excerpt from our little play,
then I am sure you will certainly want to see
the rest of Fabian Replogle's
gripping new play,
Because She's Your Sister, Son.
Currently showing all this week
at the Haymarket Theater.
You will laugh with a tear in your eye.
You will cry with a smile in your heart
over this tender love-drama
woven around a million stories
of happy family life.
Remember, the Haymarket all this week.
Thank you for your attention.
Thank you. Thank you.
Well, now, back to the serious business
of ordering a wine.
Artie, I was just explaining to the colonel
how I didn't rough up the preacher.
You don't have to explain that to me, Jim.
Oh, Eau de Juvnal.
A sunny, good-natured burgundy-
I didn't so much as lay a finger on him.
At ease, Jim.
Now, I suggested this dinner so we could talk unofficially.
About my behavior the last couple of weeks, right, colonel?
Come on, Jim, stop it.
Well, that is right, isn't it?
Yes, decidedly.
Excuse me, gentlemen, but your wine list.
Well, I accidentally dropped it.
Well, let's see... Eau de Juvnal
because we're in such a sunny, good-natured mood.
As I was saying, there was an incident a few weeks ago
and I started receiving gifts.
As if someone was making a payment for favors granted,
only the department never bought that for a moment.
Oh, well, I'm touched, colonel.
And then there was those anonymous letters
about me welshing on my gambling debts.
Nobody took that seriously, Jim, and you know it.
Mm-hmm. And then I shoot in the air,
and I- I kill a bank robber who isn't a bank robber
because the bank hasn't been in operation for years.
Now stop it, Jim. That's an order.
And then tonight, I rough up a preacher
for no apparent reason!
Jim.
I'm sorry I'm late, darling,
but you know how it is shopping with mother.
No, I don't know how it is.
Oh, Jim, they're gonna think you're real-
Oh, you must be Colonel Richmond.
Crystal Fair's my name.
How do you do?
And you're Artemus Gordon.
Oh. Jim's told me so much about you.
I feel like we're old friends too.
Oh, you dog, how did you keep this one
undercover all this time?
Because I never saw this woman before in my life.
Jim. Oh, I see.
Then you still haven't forgiven me for the other night?
I said I'm sorry. Now what more can I do?
You can start by telling me what your game is,
and who put you up to it.
Oh, when you said it would never work out,
I should have believed you
instead of coming here and trying to-
Oh, Jim.
Oh, bravo.
Be ready when the curtain goes up, Miss Bernhardt.
Don't hit me again, Jim, please.
West.
As you were, mister.
Now, the next time we have matters to discuss,
it will be over an official table.
Did you gentlemen on the board come to any decision in there?
Hold it, gentlemen. Hold it.
Now, Hansbury, we've always cooperated
with the Tribune, with all of you boys.
So where the devil did you get the idea
Mr. West is on the pan?
The colonel sent us this fact sheet.
It has the time, place, and the charges.
I've never seen this before in my life.
Then Mr. West is not on the pan?
Of course he isn't. Mr. West is one of the most
highly-regarded men in the department.
Even after last night?
Oh, come on, boys, last night was just
one of those things. Youthful high spirits.
You're both young enough to still remember that, I'm sure.
Mr. West is, uh, leaving us only for a long-awaited
and a richly deserved vacation.
Ah, but it's also a special vacation.
Long-awaited, true, gentlemen,
and richly deserved.
And also, I might add, permanent,
and I'm delighted about the whole thing.
Hey, Jim, really,
that last remark wasn't called for.
Sergeant of ordnance.
Sergeant.
Well, I just-
I just fired that for effect, sergeant.
You see, the forward battery needs some reloading.
Look, general, your artillery fire
is starting to annoy the natives.
Why don't you get out of here?
Give the nice man what he wants, Lobo.
Hey, what about your drink?
Tattoo?
My luck, wouldn't you know it?
I run into the same oriental beauty.
I tell you, she has to be the eyes of that gang,
and I follow her into what turns out to be a tattoo parlor.
I knew if I turned around and walked out,
I'd arouse suspicion, so...
I wound up getting myself tattooed.
And then?
Well, then Jim came in playing the role
of busted agent to the hilt.
I tell you, colonel, you should have seen him.
Well, go on, go on.
Nothing. He wound up going into this little booth,
drew the curtain and...
Curtains, that was all.
And he never came out?
No, not through that front door he didn't. No, sir.
Well, now, I don't know what you're so happy about.
He could be at the bottom of San Francisco Bay
at this very moment.
Oh, come on, colonel.
We know whoever went to all of this trouble
to build an ornate plan to make Jim look bad
had a lot more in mind for him than that.
Yes, yes, I agree. By Godfrey. I think your plan
worked out fine this time. Thanks.
I think we really pulled the wool over the eyes of-
Of who? Who is Mr. Big?
And what operation is he cooking up
that Jim has obviously been assigned a role in?
Well, I tell you, colonel,
that's one minor detail
I haven't figured out yet.
What are you going to do about it?
I don't know.
I think I may even learn
to grow fond of it after a while.
What? Now, I'm not talking about your blasted tattoo.
I'm talking about Jim.
Now, what's our next move?
Colonel, our next move is the toughest of them all.
We just sit
and wait to hear from him.
The couch you are rising from
once sagged beneath the weight
of the queen of all the Assyrians.
May one hope that you rested as well
as that scarlet-lipped Semiramis herself.
Who are you?
Your host.
You've met Song, of course.
Several times.
Just before disaster struck.
And you remember Raymond?
The kindly doctor with his bag of tricks.
And, uh- And my victim?
Moke.
And the phony preacher man.
And no party would be complete without Crystal.
Where is she?
At your side, Jim, darling,
where I belong.
You haven't introduced yourself.
Elisha Calamander,
your humble servant.
The man responsible for the pranks
I've been subjected to.
One feels obliged to say yes.
One finds you quite amazing, sir.
With the drug's effects far from dissipated,
it should have been impossible for you to have done this.
I'll get to you yet, Calamander.
Of course, only one hopes that that will be
when you are properly freshened and barbered.
You could have a point there.
You're the least talkative barber I've ever met.
That is bad, yes?
No, that's wonderful.
What are you doing here anyway?
A servant to Mr. Calamander.
A servant?
Honorable parents very poor when Song small.
Afraid Song go hungry too many times.
Mr. Calamander offered to save my life.
So Calamander bought you from your parents.
Right?
Long as honorable master lives,
Song will serve him.
Ever thought of growing a beard, Jim?
Incidentally, if you can spare the time,
Mr. Calamander would like to see you.
Can't keep my host waiting. Thank you.
Sit down, Mr. West.
Are you still bitter, sir?
Should I be grateful, sir?
Yes. One asks you to reflect.
Years of dedicated service, brilliant work,
dangerous, wretchedly paid,
and see how callously they have cast you off
like an old shoe.
Yes, sir, those are pistols being trained upon you,
so hear me out, if you will.
One knows the range of your talents, Mr. West.
One cherishes them as much
as your late employers ever did.
The only difference being,
one is prepared to pay for them,
and pay very well indeed.
What's your game?
My game, as you put it,
is a passion for anonymity.
Have you ever heard of me before, sir?
And yet, one may modestly lay claim
to being at the top of one's profession.
What is one's profession?
One is in touch with many wealthy men
who hunger after treasures so illicit
they may never show them to anyone else.
Yet treasures, nevertheless, they must have.
The Venus de Milo,
the Mona Lisa,
the Crown Jewels
of England.
One supplies such items for very handsome prices.
Where do I come in?
More about that later.
For now, look inside your jacket pocket,
if you will.
$5,000.
Mere token money.
Just to show our good faith, as it were.
A mere 10 percent of what we are offering
for your services, Mr. West.
$50,000.
Take it, Jim.
It means independence, Mr. West.
It recognizes the fact
that the laborer is worthy of his hire.
Also, it is the nicest way
you can thumb your nose
at Mr. Gordon, Colonel Richmond,
and all the rest of that dreary crew.
This calls for a celebration.
I'll take you to dinner.
Well...
Will there be anything else, sir?
No, thank you. Of course.
I wish you could have seen your face
when I danced up to you and the others.
"Sorry I'm late, darling,
but you know how it is shopping with mother."
When are you going to start asking questions?
Well, I didn't know I was supposed to.
You don't fool me any because I know
you're just dying to find out what the job is
Calamander wants you to do.
No. Calamander will tell me
when he wants to tell me.
Oh, good. I'm glad you feel that way,
because I'm not going to tell you anything.
I'm glad to hear it.
I'm not even gonna tell you
why Calamander picked you.
Because you're some sort of superman.
Superman? Now I know you're pulling my leg.
No, honest, honest.
See, Calamander needed somebody
who's a talented swimmer, and a diver,
and an acrobat, and a fighter,
and a mountain climber, and et cetera.
And that's you.
Me?
And from what I understand,
you're gonna need all those special skills
to carry off that little chore
Calamander's got lined up for you.
Steal back-
I'd like to get out of here. You talk too much.
All right.
There.
So to recap the information
that Jim passed on to me on that menu,
Check Elisha Calamander.
Did it. We don't have a thing on him.
Pick, swim, dive, fight, acro, shoot, climb
for steal thing. Steal what?"
Now, roughly translated, that means that Jim
was chosen by a certain Mr. Calamander
for a project that requires talent at swimming, diving,
shooting, fighting, and acrobatics.
That third postscript is just to tell us
all this activity was for the purpose of stealing back
something that was stolen to begin with.
Well, what was it that was stolen
that Calamander wants to steal back?
Where is it now, and when is it all going to take place?
Well, I don't know, sir. Jim did not say.
All right. I'll read the list over again.
A set of series R plates stolen from the mint,
$128,000 worth of government securities
stolen from the bureau of printing and engraving,
two Gatling guns stolen from
Fort Winfield Scott during maneuvers-
Excuse me, I think you're just getting colder and colder.
Well, then we don't know one blasted thing, do we?
I wouldn't say that, colonel.
I know that Mr. Calamander is a patron of the fine arts,
I know that he goes in for big projects,
and I also know he loves to make elaborate gestures.
Well, now, how do you know that?
I had that checked out.
Now, that once belonged to Maria Sophia,
queen of Portugal.
It was stolen from the Museum of Lisbon.
It's priceless. What's the connection?
That's the ring Crystal threw back at Jim
when she broke their engagement.
You wanted to see me, sir?
Ah, Mr. West.
Take a moment to acknowledge perfection
so exultant that it pains.
Very beautiful, sir.
I'm glad you agree with me.
Oh, by the way,
Moke informs me
that you composed these symbols.
One is tempted to wonder whether those symbols
form some sort of a code to be picked up, let us say,
by a colleague disguised
as a waiter or a busboy?
I don't like troublemakers.
An interesting piece of byplay, sir,
but hardly an answer to one's question.
What do these symbols say?
Honorable one.
And exactly what does that mean, Song?
Patterns on rice paper.
Silly game Song taught Mr. West to play.
Song ashamed to be cause of trouble.
A simple explanation.
One wonders why you didn't make it.
I would have gotten around to it eventually.
One offers apologies.
One accepts.
And now, Mr. West, perhaps it is as good a time
as any to acquaint you with our little project.
Well, Artemus?
I'm sorry, colonel.
I've been juggling
all the elements in this case.
All of Jim's special skills,
the topographical features that seem to be indicated,
like the body of water.
In other words, nothing, right?
Everything but the what and the where.
What is it that Calamander is going for,
and where is the big operation going to take place?
Sir?
Later, Keeley. I don't want to be interrupted.
Excuse me, sir, it's marked "top urgent."
Well, more trouble.
Some experimental chemical has been found missing.
Killesium, whatever that is.
No, that's- That's kilesium.
It's a distillate of seawater.
Accidentally discovered by Dr. Quandum
during his famous experiments on high pressures.
Eventually resulted in his death,
as a matter of fact.
Kilesium was found to contain
the most asphyxiating-
Kilesium?
I thought there was only one vial of that in existence.
Yes, well, that's what's been stolen.
What are we gonna do about Jim?
I don't know.
I'm sure he must realize
that we don't have enough information
to do anything that-
What is it?
How long ago was that vial of kilesium stolen?
Probably a month.
All right, I've seen that Mona Lisa smile of yours before.
What do you got cooking?
It works. It fits.
It's the kilesium that Calamander is after.
Well, now, how do you know that?
A, because it was stolen to begin with.
B, because anyone who possesses that vial can get
almost any price he cares to name in certain quarters.
It's that deadly.
Do you realize that with enough kilesium,
one could decimate this entire country
within a matter of 24 hours,
and that one small vial is the only sample known.
Well, if your theory is correct, then we're worse off than ever.
A tiny vial like that could be hidden anywhere.
That's C, sir.
I think I can tell you exactly where it is.
Now, listen to this. Kilesium is extremely unstable.
At a temperature of 70 degrees, under normal air pressure,
it converts immediately into a poison gas.
The most deadly poison gas that ever was.
In order to be stored safely,
it has to be maintained in a saline solution
at a temperature under 70 degrees,
at a pressure of 29 pounds per square inch.
The simplest and most logical way to do that
would be to store it in a tank of seawater.
Wait a minute.
A tank 30 feet deep.
Now, that- That would account for the diving and swimming
that are called for. Right.
Now, a tank of seawater 30 feet high
would have to be situated right off the seacoast
so that the constantly evaporating seawater
could be constantly replenished. Exactly.
Oh, Artemus, that would be a risky undertaking,
because every coastal installation and building
would be subject to government approval and control.
Yes, but there's a chain of saltwater lakes
right here in this area, far from the coast.
The traces of antediluvian inland oceans.
They would make a perfect spot in which somebody could keep
a 30-foot tank of saltwater in private.
Keeley!
On the salt lakes in the area,
I want every map and chart you can beg, borrow,
and commandeer. Yes, sir.
The hand of Saint Stephen,
one of the old relics of martyrdom.
So, this is what puts the gleam in your client's eye.
The price it commands
is exceeded only by the burning desire
and the pocketbook of the buyer,
both, as it happens, of gigantic proportions.
So, you see, the $100,000 that you make off the deal
will hardly dent the budget.
One had already settled Mr. West's price
at $50,000, my dear.
Oh,
excuse me.
Still, sir, $100,000 is no more than fair.
One is inclined to agree.
$100,000 it is.
And now that Crystal's passionate preoccupation
with money has doubled your dividend,
let us go on to talk about
a certain Mr. Inigo Golem. Is the name familiar?
He's the director of the marine biological institution
at Fowles Point inland sea.
That, sir,
is the face he presents to a credulous world.
In point of fact, Mr. Golem has recently branched out
into the same line of business as myself.
He stole a march on me
by securing the hand before I could,
and within a 30-foot tank in his laboratory,
he has hidden away the prize.
And my job is to liberate it.
Precisely.
Sir, how do I go about it?
My dear.
Do sit down, Mr. West.
This will take a little time to explain.
Let me repeat, sir.
Timing will be of exquisite importance
in the success of this operation.
We have managed to chart the ebb and flow
of the lake water as it is being pumped
into the conduit you will be negotiating.
The only feasible way into the laboratory.
And the only way out.
There is only an 18-minute interval of time
during which water is not pumped into the conduit.
You will have to enter, perform your chores,
and leave, all within the allotted time period,
or else, frankly,
it could be exceedingly awkward.
For "awkward," substitute "fatal."
One tries not to dwell on that.
I've been waiting for you.
Well, if it's to wish me luck...
I wouldn't waste my time on a thing like that.
It's to make you an offer.
Thanks, Crystal, but some other time.
Listen. Calamander and the others
are waiting for you to come out of the conduit,
with the package, ready to blast you.
I just thought you'd like to know.
For some reason that kind of gossip does interest me,
but if there's only one way out of the conduit-
There isn't. Tell me.
First, tell me we're partners.
You're prepared to believe me if I say we are?
You can't trust me. No one can.
But I have a feeling I can trust you.
All right, I'll give you half
of everything I make on this deal.
That's good enough for me. Now, listen.
I overheard Calamander talking about a door
in the main laboratory. Exactly where I don't know,
but it leads to another exit, a cave,
and it's unguarded.
Thanks, Crystal. I'll make a point of finding it.
Right now you'll have to excuse me. I'm on a tight schedule.
Uh...
Yes? Out of my way, sonny.
Hold it, pop.
Are you defying the United States government?
Of course not, old man,
but you can't just come barging in here like that.
I can't, huh? You ever hear of the post office motto?
"Neither snow nor sleet, nor dark of night
"shall stay these couriers from their swift completion
of their appointed rounds."
Now, hide your carcass over to one side,
I got a package to deliver. Unh-unh. I'll take that.
Not on your tinny-type, you don't.
There's 17 cents postage due coming to the department.
Tried to get by without paying that.
What is that? A quarter? Uh-huh.
I ain't no bank, sonny. I don't change no currency.
Well, keep the rest of it then.
Are you trying to bribe
a government employee?
Hold on one dag-burned minute.
That's 17 cents...even.
All right, pop. Follow me.
All I want is the money coming to the department.
I don't want nothing besides.
There you are, old man. Seventeen cents.
There. That's more like it.
Hey, hey. You got to sign for it.
You this here Inigo Golem?
No, but I'll sign for him.
Federal offense. Forging and falsifying.
Idiots.
Deaf, dumb, and blind idiots.
Distinctly I hear an explosion,
and you stand there and say you heard nothing?
Maybe one of the steam pumps.
Dolt. I tell you it was an explosion,
not a steam pump.
Get that man!
Guards, get this man.
Hold it, Jim. This way.
According to a diagram I saw,
there's a door to a cave leading out of here right about here.
It gives out right here.
I hope you've got something in your bag, doctor.
Of course. Care to watch the operation?
Wait, wait, wait.
What do you got in there, Jim? Some kind of souvenir?
It's supposed to be the hand of Saint Stephen for Calamander.
Calamander? It's a vial of kilesium.
Kilesium? Then we're gonna have temperature problems.
We've got to get rid of that
without jeopardizing anybody else.
Artie, then this place was made to order.
Come on.
I'll take the hand, Mr. West.
Shall we call it by its right name?
Kilesium, then.
If you please.
We had to abandon it.
There was the small problem of rising temperatures.
Mr. West, I have dreamed too many dreams to give up now.
I want that vial.
Raymond, Moke,
keep an eye on our guests until I return.
Gentlemen, I promise you,
if I have any difficulty locating that kilesium,
I shall return with some very interesting methods
for making you more communicative.
Mr. Calamander, what would you say
if I were to tell you there's very great danger
going back in there after that kilesium?
One would be irresistibly inclined
to doubt you, sir.
Moke, give them a hand.
Thus, gentlemen, I am happy to say
that Mr. West has been reinstated in the service,
with a special commendation from President Grant himself
for his meritorious and selfless-
Excuse me, colonel. What about the kilesium?
Oh. Uh, well, yes.
Um, uh...why don't you tell him about it?
Well, we dynamited the cave
and sealed the gas off permanently.
No possibility of it ever escaping.
Now, gentlemen, if you'll excuse me,
I'm looking forward to sharing a dinner engagement
with a very charming young lady.